I Don't Want To Be A Dick, But Ronaldinho Needs To Do His House Arrest Again

After nearly six months entangled in the Paraguayan legal system, Ronaldinho is set to be granted his liberty from house arrest on Monday by judges in Asunción.

[…] Ronaldinho and his brother were transferred to a luxury hotel after being twice denied bail. They were given their own $380-a-night suites in an otherwise empty hotel, and spent the last four months under house arrest, supposedly in quarantine.

South American outlets reported that Ronaldinho often welcomed guests into his room. Hotel staff have also claimed the former Brazil star spent nights dancing and singing karaoke.

Full story here.

I don’t want to be a hater. I don’t. I don’t!

I don’t even really know what the crime is here. I tried to read the article and kept losing focus halfway through. Something about a passport? Doesn’t sound great, but also doesn’t sound terrible! I mean Ronaldinho didn’t murder anyone which is basically where I’ve been forced to place my bar over the last few weeks, so that’s good.

Regardless of my inability to comprehend his crime, I can comprehend perfectly well that any house arrest that’s taken place of the past six months should not count. We’ve all been under house arrest! Isn’t the point of being punished that other people are being treated better than you somewhere? Like, you can make me go sit in a corner, but i’m not going to give a shit if everybody else in the room is also sitting in a corner. Basically Ronaldinho got comped a $300 a night luxury room at a hotel. He had guests. He had a pool. He had a karaoke machine.

What the fuck, man? That’s freakin’ sweet! If I had to build my perfect quarantine set up, that would be it. All except Ronaldinho, I don’t want that toothy motherfucker anywhere near me! Especially not after this. He’s got it better than all of us. Doesn’t even have to go out to get groceries, worry about social distancing in Paraguayan Trader Joes, or have to spend hours scrubbing the smell of knockoff Purell from his hands. 

There’s no way around this, you have to make him do it again. Restart the goddamn clock. I don’t care what laws you have to pull off. I just want Ronaldinho to do a solid two weeks of house arrest somewhere that’s not a goddamn palace. It can be a hovel, it can be a cell, it can literally be my current apartment for all I care; but I demand justice. I don’t care what he does with his time, as long as he doesn’t have the entire Bellagio at his fingertips. Remember that when Shia Labeouf was house arrested in Disturbia he fell in love and caught a serial killer, so good luck filling those shoes.