Unsurprising But Important: Science Proves Cat Owners Are Less Likely to Have Sex: An Investigation
(CNN) We have cat-astrophic news for animal lovers: Men who like cats are less likely to get a date.
That's the takeaway from a study by Colorado State University, which found that women are less likely to swipe right -- or say yes -- to men if they're posing with a cat in a picture.
Scientists showed hundreds of women photos of two men, both men pictured with and without a furry companion.
Their responses showed that the men's luck got noticeably worse when women saw the picture with a cat.
"Men holding cats were viewed as less masculine; more neurotic, agreeable, and open; and less dateable," the authors wrote.
Full story here.
I’m glad we can officially make this news. It may require some self reflection on all of our partss, but it’s a time for growth, people.
I’ve been to the dark side, I’ve lived solo with a cat. I’m not going to lie- in hindsight it got a little strange. In the moment we were just a couple pals sharing a meatloaf, watching Les Mis together, but now looking back I can see how that bond Harold and I had was actively impeding from me inserting my penis in any fun places. I hate to speak in hyperbole and so all I will say is that living with a cat cost me a shot at the love of my life and haunts me in a way I will never financially or emotionally recover from. Do I regret it? A lesser man would, and so do I. But I also see it for what it is, a valuable learning experience and the worst mistake of my life.
See, I’m someone who’s lived the cliched bachelor life: considering the tv room the most important space in the house, thinking cold cuts straight out of the package is a suitable meal, and being wholeheartedly sure that chugging beer by yourself while watching Goon for the seventh time is a good Friday night. Some might call it pathetic, I’d call it a lifestyle; and I’ve done it both with cats and dogs. Let me tell you, as an expert on this, it doesn’t start and stop with photos on dating apps; anything you do with a dog as a bachelor, is a little weirder with a cat.
Sharing meatloaf with dog? Cost-conscious way to make sure man’s best friend gets their protein while also minimizing carbon emission by only preparing one serving. Sharing=caring=rule 1 of sex.
Sharing meatloaf with cat? Assumed you’re also sharing the cat food, which is not for people who want to have sex.
Watching Les Mis with dog? Appreciating Anne Hathaway’s powerful performance, helping you have sex.
Watching Les Mis with cat? Appreciating Russell Crowe’s singing voice, which has been scientifically proven to put cats in heat, and prevent humans from having sex.
Letting dog lick your face? Shows you’re up for doing things that are a little out of your comfort zone but that make your partner feel good, very sexy!
Letting cat lick your face? You’re not looking to have sex with people.
Dog hair on your shirt? Shows you know how to play. Sexy as fuck.
Cat hair on your shirt? Shows you need to get your damn hypoallergenic-non-sex-having house in order.
Dog sleeps in bed with you? Wow, you are generous! You’d take in an orphan off the street and give them the clothes off your back. Also, you’re not a space hog! This makes you seem like a good sleep partner, which occasionally will make you seem like a better sex partner.
Cat sleeps in bed with you? You are very, very lonely and very, very unlikely to have sex.
Service dog? You know you have needs, and you know what has to be done to meet them. Sexy!
Service cat? You don’t know what you need, or what other people need, sexually.
Rob a bank with a dog? Shows you love adventure! Sexy!
Rob a bank with a cat? Shows you know nothing of the difficulty of bank robbing, and the intricate complexities of both modern alarm systems and the female vagina. Unsexy.
Have a taxidermized dog? Awww you’re a sentimental risk taker! And sexy!
Have a taxidermized cat? Ahhh you have extensive experience with taxidermy! And not having sex!
So there you have it, dear reader, is it science or is it culture? It’s both. Does it belong in Pets Magazine or Cosmo? I’m open to offers from either! I’m sure the former could do a great service by making you aware of what you’re signing up for when you get a feline; I know Cosmo would fly off the shelves once their “tips on how to spice up your sex life as soon as you get rid of your cat” issue drops. Take these harsh words and learn from them. Be happy that this lesson comes to you in the form of a blog and not a terrible misstep that will torment you until the day you die. And for what? Fuck you Harold, fuck you. End blog.
