Kids Broke Into A Petting Zoo To Fuck With The Animals And We're Officially Not Making It To 2021

The owners of a popular New Jersey farm and petting zoo are outraged after catching teenagers trespassing and allegedly abusing its animals.

At around 10:30 p.m., Abma received a picture of a young girl riding a miniature donkey. He immediately recognized the animal, which he told DeAngelis should not be supporting that kind of weight, adding he couldn’t miss the farm name tagged in the Snapchat post.

“Obviously, we’re closed, so that raised a concern to me right off the bat, that there’s people trespassing, the animals are somewhat in danger and I just need to figure out what’s going on,” Jimmy said.

As he went outside yelling, he said a group of teenagers started bolting. He found petting zoo gates open and among the frightened animals, a miniature pony with lipstick on its face.

Full story here.

Apparently this begs a reminder. You can’t fuck with petting zoo animals. You just can’t. Not only is that terrible karma, but you’re asking for the worst animal vengeance of all time. How many times have I said it in the past week? It’s the last thing we need right now. We’ve got bears eating people in Italy. We’ve got lions eating their trainers in Africa. We’ve got sharks trying to take out the coast guard. What lee-way do you think we have here? Do you not see the world ending without the help of any of these vengeful creatures trying to eat us? They already fucking hate us, and now you’re going after the animals in a petting zoo? That’s bad. 

When we talk examples of animal vengeance in the wild, it’s still bad news, but there’s at least an essence of nature running its course. This is coming from me, perhaps the person who hates nature running its course more than anyone in the entire world. But, regardless, that’s what it is. A bear attacks you, and you either fight, escape, or join your rightful place below the bear in the food chain. It’s fucked up, but then again it’s just Planet Earth, except we’re a featured player this time around.

This is not the case at a petting zoo. All essence of nature is long gone. These animals have nothing. Their eyes are soul-less, their paws declawed, teeth filed down, it’s terrible. I mean these are barely animals. I don’t mean that in that they’re not conscious beings, because they are and they deserve to be treated as such. I just mean that they don’t behave like animals, for example: petting zoo goats are nice. What a dangerous fucking lesson to teach our children. Goats are not nice. Goats are vicious creatures. Have you seen the Witch? If any movie’s going to make you sneak in to a petting zoo and paint lipstick on a goat, it’s not that one. Since watching it two years ago, I’ve made an effort not to encounter any goats at night, and I have so far been succesful! 

The whole “not-really animals” thing that sounds terrible to write matters for two reasons. First, you can’t kick something when it’s down like this. You just can’t. If we ever find ourself in a Planet Of The Goats situation, you are truly, absolutely, and entirely fucked. They don’t treat people like you kindly on Goat-Earth. Second, the animal you’re taking advantage of is way less intimidating than the animal vengeance you’re bringing on yourself. As I just said, that goat’s not a goat. That goat’s a shadow of a goat. You’re biting off way more than you can chew and you don’t even know it.