I Missed My Blogs Yesterday Because There Is No Piece Of Furniture So Idiot-Proof That I Don’t Have To Build It Twice

My capacity for fucking up furniture with detailed instructions is limitless. Truly limitless. The only thing I’ve ever built successfully in one try was an office chair because the margin for error is about a million. The whole thing only fits together one way, there are three steps, and it’s unbreakable.

That was not the case with the tv console I built yesterday. But we’ll get to that. 

The worst part of it all is that I never fuck it up at the beginning. I’m never problem solving when I’m fresh. I always fuck it up right at the end, right when I can see the finish line. A few years ago I built my first Ikea dresser. Had the apartment to myself. Bowls of organized nuts and bolts everywhere. Furniture was pushed to the side like I was clearing a space for my amateur fight club. I got the whole frame put together perfectly; it was a shining beacon of what a seamless process constructing ikea furniture could be. I  start putting drawers in, and realize I assembled it all backwards; like the front is facing the back type of thing. So, in my infinite wisdom, I decide to just do all the steps I just did (perfectly) in reverse order. Next thing I know I’ve broken the whole thing in half, put a dent in my floor, and for the next three years I have a dresser that shakes every time someone opens the fridge. 

I took this to heart. I did another two years of work in TV production, and assisted in the assembly of enough bed frames to  and to raise my confidence to the point where I was facing a console, mounting system, and sound bar for a brand new 65 inch tv and feeling good. 

This contraption, nay monstrosity, NAY behemoth had more parts than I’d ever seen in my life. I assembled the whole GD thing through ever obstacle it threw in my way. 1000 screws and small metal pieces? No problem. Three different instruction manuals with varying degrees of specificity and clarity? Easy. A giant TV that I was afraid to touch, let alone mount on system assembled by hands none other than mine? Yes please. 

Six hours later I’ve got this thing fully assembled, the TV’s mounted, the whole contraption is centered, sound bar is flush with the screen, and it’s beautiful. I’m relishing the moment. I’m peeling the plastic cover off the screen, I’m dusting off the glass shelves, and I’m on top of the world.  Then I realize that there’s a whole bracket preventing me from plugging the fucking thing in. 

For the next 18 hours I spent my time bouncing between the manuals, the forums, and whatever Best Buy Geek Squad wasn’t screening my calls, which was most of them. I couldn’t catch a fucking break everywhere, and of course, at the end of the day the whole problem was that I’d missed a key part of the instructions. 

So as I sit here, brand new tv taunting me with its glory, new bookshelf waiting for my imbecile peanut brain to try to assemble it, and two blogs waiting for saturday to get written- I have to ask myself why I am the way I am. I try so hard. I put the screws in bowls. I prepare mentally, physically, and sexually for every single one of these construction challenges. I treat everyone of these like a championship game. I eat hardware for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and dessert. I sleep with a Leatherman under my pillow for no less than five nights before hand. So why, why, why why why do I incessantly fuck it up. 

I think when it comes down to it, I’m the JR Smith of furniture assembly. I’m going to hit a clutch 3, I’m going to surprise you, but I’m also going to run out the clock when the game is tied.

It’s who he is when it comes to basketball. It’s who I am when it comes to furniture. He shoots threes regardless of “statistics”. I misread instructions 100 times out of 100. But hey, remember, he’s got a ring and the Lakers are hunting for another one. I’ve got a functioning TV console and a bookcase to build tomorrow. As he likes to say, ““I'd rather take a contested shot than an open shot any day ... It's kind of boring when you take open shots”” And as I like to say, “I’d rather just guess when it comes to hardware than have even a fraction of an idea what I’m doing … It’s kind of boring putting things together in one try”