Ranking MLB Fake Fan Options: Cardboard, Hologram, or Poorly Functioning Robot
Look, the 7 shots of Madden 12 audience members that we’ve gotten up to this point hasn’t been great. No doubt about it. It hasn’t bothered me that much because I play video games until my eyes bleed, so I’m already used to mixing my reality with shoddy illusion. Regardless of my extreme and well plotted preparations for 7 months of only seeing my mom, i think we as fans should have a say in what direction the fake-audience goes in the future.
We Keep the Video Game Audience.
PROS:
We already know this doesn’t work. Leaves very little room for further disappointment.
Very easy to recycle video game images and or characters. As we’ve already seen from the four recycled character models from early 2010’s video games, the producers have this on lock. There’s also terrific potential to throw mario and/or donkey kong in the crowd if they need a boost in numbers.
CONS:
Foul balls. Idiots have no idea what to do with the ball, it’s infuriating. You know how many kids and/or grown men wish they could be out there catching foul balls? Act like you’ve earned it one time.
A tad dystopian… Welcome to 2020 baby- we’re battling a global pandemic and systemic racism, now we’ve got a video game audience 4% of the time and you’re going to hate it!
…Not the most dystopian of our options. It will get worse before it gets better. Which you think would be a pro. But it’s not, it’s a con.
We Widely Adopt Cardboard Cutouts
Obviously some teams have already started doing this, so let’s dive into what would happen if we made this a league wide mandate.
PROS:
Cheap as hell! Happy owners means happy fans. Wait..
Permanent. These suckers can’t move! You’re going to see them always and forever. Every shot of the batter. Every shot into the crowd. Every tracking shot of a foul ball. You’re going to see cardboard baby.
Potential for mascot shenanigans. The mascots are hurting right now, people. What are they supposed to do with no fans to berate? No lovers to break apart? No children to upset? No hardos to challenge to push off competitions? This helps them. Picture this: your team is up one run in the bottom of the ninth. Two outs and the final batter is up. He steps out of the batter’s box and looks out into the stands. Your mascot is decapitating cardboard cutouts. No way he hits anything over 88 after that. Game’s over.
CONS:
Become increasingly dystopian with inclement weather. These already have a shred of “humanity is failing” especially with the implantation of our mascot shenanigans idea, but this only gets worse after rain delays. You think looking out into the lifeless eyes of cardboard fans hurts your soul now, just wait until they’re decomposing before your eyes.
No idea what to do with a foul ball. These brainless idiots are going to be out here taking foul balls to the face. What are the kids going to think? What does that show them? We could be looking at an epidemic of 12 year olds getting fucking smoked in between the eyes, because they think you’re just supposed to watch the ball with your hands by your sides as it rockets at your noggin. Who can blame them? This is the example that’s been set for them. So while these cutouts may be cheap and hilariously destructible, remember that they are also terrible role models.
We Implement a Crowd Full of Poorly Functioning Robots
PROS:
Cheaper than well functioning robots. It’s all relative my man. Less money. More malfunctions. Greater comedy. We do not, I repeat do not, want well functioning robots. Get that shit out of here.
Stimulates the job market. Somebody’s gotta make these robots, and remember, since they’ve got to be poorly functioning, it can literally be anyone. We’ve also got to model these after somebody! Whether you’re plugging the wrong wire into the right circuit, or sitting still for 7 hours to capture your perfect likeness, there’s a job here for you.
Brings us back to normal. We look at fans to keep us engaged in the action, but also to keep us entertained in the dull moments, to remind us that sometimes this is just a game, and sometimes, that’s it’s more than a game. No offense meant, but so many of these moments are EXACTLY what would happen with poorly designed robots in the stands.
Let’s look at some of your favorite fan moments:
[No rain cover installed over charging outlet, leading to water induced short circuiting.]
[Unilateral phase detractors incorrectly connected to hydrocoptic marshall veins, leading to fatal breaches of the logarithmic casing and resulting in immediate, and unrelenting expulsion of cooling fluid through the principal orifice.]
[A combination of the encabulator touching the lunar wane shaft and instability in the differential girdle spring leads to rupturing in the non reversible premie pipe leading to irreversible thumb inversion.]
MORE PROS:
Dystopian. Might as well lean into it!
Can’t handle foul balls. Comedy. Pure comedy.
Educational. Graphic reminder of what happens if you don’t handle a foul ball. Ill fated, but good role models.
CONS:
n/a
