States Warning People Not to Plant Random Seeds They’re Receiving from China: Who the Fuck is Doing That

If you've received a mysterious package of seeds in the mail lately, don't plant them.

Several states are issuing warnings after residents across the nation have reported receiving unsolicited packages that appear to have originated in China. The packages typically have Chinese characters on the label and contain a sealed packet of unknown seeds that some state agriculture departments say could be invasive plant species.

"Invasive species wreak havoc on the environment, displace or destroy native plants and insects and severely damage crops," the Virginia Department of Agriculture and Consumer Services said in a news release on July 24.

Full story here.

I don’t know whether these are gonna grow secret cameras, tracking chips, biological nukes or Lima beans. But I do know if you’re planting every random seed you get in the mail, China can have your social security number; because you are a rock. I can’t even say they’ve earned it, because on the surface this idea should not have worked. But, fair is fair, and they deserve a shred of credit for targeting the dumbest fucking people on planet earth.

If you’re planting random chinese seeds that show up in unmarked ziplock bags, I can only assume that you’re same type of person who eats food they found on the sidewalk and licks the poles on the subway. You’d think that this was a no brainer, but apparently not.

What are you even? Are you stupid? Naive? Resigned? “Oh you know if they’ve already got our address what’s the problem with popping these bad boys in the ground?” Multiple problems! Multiple! I mean really, the only dumber thing you could do would be to eat these things. It’s  not a mysterious powder. You’re not burying it. You’re growing it, dumbass. You’re doing exactly what they want you to do.

But hey, if you think that China is sending you the newest super bean, that’s great, and good luck to you; unrelated, I’ve got a bridge to sell you.