Team of Assassins Sent to Canada Annnnnd I Thought That Was Off-Limits

A former top Saudi intelligence official who fell out with the Saudi Crown Prince is alleging that an assassination squad traveled from Saudi Arabia to Canada to try to kill him just days after journalist Jamal Khashoggi was murdered by members of the same group, according to a new legal complaint filed Thursday by the alleged target, Dr. Saad Aljabri, in DC District Court.

Fulls story here.

Now, obviously sending a team of assassins to murder someone is typically frowned upon in most circles, but Canada seems like it should be completely off limits. Credit to our neighbors to the north for curating such a gentle and pure appearance that the thought of bloodshed over the border just makes me downright upset.

Kudos to Michael Moore for convincing me in 2013 that Canada is so safe nobody locks their doors, the 1995 film Canadian Bacon for teaching me that the most violent a Canadian would get is if you insult their beer or their hockey. I just realized that Canadian Bacon was also directed by Michael Moore, so it’s fair to say I learned all of my Canada facts from him. Obviously, all of this was wrong. People get murdered there just like anywhere else- and I can’t comment on how motivated those murders were by insults to beer or hockey, or deny that the ignorance was nice. Canada seems like it should be a haven- a place that is polite, friendly, and, above all else, safe from the perils of the real world like pollution, junk food, climate change, fruit cake or assassinations.

Sending a gang on international assassins to Canada is like sending a hit man to Chuck E Cheese. What’s this going to do for the brand? Stick to the normal spots like gas stations, parking garages, and dark alleys (in our real world case, Russia).  I know you want this guy dead, but maybe we wait until he leaves the ball pit?