We’ve Got a National Coin Shortage (Emergency) and It’s Prime Time to Phase Out the (No Good, Dirt Diggin', Hound Doggin', Goddamn, Motherfucking) Nickel
The United States is in the midst of a nationwide coin shortage brought on by the coronavirus pandemic, making life difficult for banks, retailers and anyone who regularly pays with cash. The US Mint, which is in charge of producing new money to replenish the country's supply, is working on addressing the issue, and now it's asking Americans to help out, too.
The Mint is asking people to pay with exact change and to find other ways to return coins they may have lying around to circulation, it said in a press release Thursday.
Full story here.
Look guys, let’s not mince words in such desperate and unprecedented times; fuck nickels. Fuck them. I’m done with them. I’ve been done with them for years. I bit my tongue, only told my lady friends after the fifth date, and solemnly tossed them into a jar or in between my car seat and the center console, but now that times are tight it’s time to trim the fat, people. We’re in the midst of a national coin shortage and that’s no joke.
I love coins, but at some point we’re getting too cute. In the Great Depression were people hanging on to their goose feather pillows? No, they were selling that shit for ham steaks and milk to provide for their families. During the London Bombings were the proud people of Britain enjoying blueberries and cream? No they were tossing all of the items they had into a pan and calling it fruit cake, a disgusting but essential wartime delicacy.
It’s by far the worst coin.
Dimes? Small, convenient, shiny.
Quarters? Big, round, expensive, pay for your laundry.
Pennies? Brown, usually covered in gum, can be lucky, represent the OG tall man Lincoln.
Nickels? None of the above.
How many nickels make a quarter, five? Brother, by the time I’ve counted five nickels I’ve already thrown myself in front of a bus because of how miserable I am counting nickels. That’s no way to live. You think we’ve got time, patience, or coins to spare for a 5 cent piece? Fuck no we do not. At what point do we just look at the nickel and call a spade a spade? The thing’s useless. Its most common purpose is getting confused with a quarter and jamming up the laundry machine. I’ll concede there’s no more satisfying combination than the two-dime-one-nickel-makes-a-quarter for under one dollar amounts- but we can sacrifice that occasional moment of relief for the greater good.
Let’s melt those bad boys down and turn them into any of the other greater coins. I’m down with dimes, I’m down with quarters, but the nickels have ridden their last rodeo. That could be the greatest service the nickel has provided yet; coming through at the buzzer, making the ultimate sacrifice to boost our coin production back into the black. Let’s get rid of those fake quarters and put ourselves back on the map. Take one for the team one time nickels. It’s what a quarter would do.
