Hats Off to Diego: The Sea Tortoise Who Fucked His Species Back Into Existence, and Himself Into Retirement.

Diego, a libidinous giant tortoise credited with saving his species, has finally retired to an uninhabited island off the coast of Ecuador after decades of service in a breeding program.

Diego returns to his native island of Española in a move that closes an important chapter in the management of the Galapagos National Park, wrote Paulo Proaño Andrade, Ecuador's environment minister, on Twitter.

His unstoppable libido was credited as a major reason for the survival of his fellow giant tortoises on Española.

The Galapagos National Parks service believe the 100-year-old tortoise is the patriarch of around 40% of that population.

Full story here.

I’m glad we’ve got a feel good story to offset the fact that Royal Caribbean Cruise Line uses the same volcanic eruption system as the municipal departments of Pompeii. Let’s turn our attention for a minute to Diego, a swaggering, libido-laden tortoise who literally fucked his species back into existence. This is a fascinating article, but to give an idea to those of you who, like me, don’t know how to read: Diego was part of a population that while originally was down to two males and 12 females, is now up to 2000. That’s insane. That’s an absurd amount of sex, even for these horny times. I wouldn’t think Diego to be the ideal tortoise body but for ten years every time that turtle was asked to lay pipe he did so in extraordinary fashion. 

Diego’s knees and neck may bear more resemblance to me at 11 years old than to a reptilian sex god.

You think this turtle could have done that?

This turtle can shrug 455 but can’t save tortoise-society using only his penis.

Or this turtle?

This tortoise’s bright eyes and defined arm-scales make him an eligible bachelor, but they don’t make him a fuck-robot like Diego!

Ten years. 800 offspring. They don’t make pills like that for humans. In all honesty, I think we should probably put Diego in witness protection, because some depraved individual is going to try and grind that turtle up. I don’t want to say it. I don’t like to say it. But somebody’s going to try. They’re going to eat the tortoise to fuck like the tortoise, that’s a tale as old as time. Enjoy retirement, Diego. I hope you can enjoy the green pastures(?) of your unnamed island, and participate in consensual love making that doesn’t hold the future of your species in the balance. Also, keep your head on a swivel so you don’t end up in a jar on the counter of some back alley sex shop. You deserve far better than that. 

P.S. if any of us care to do the math on this: Diego conceives eight hundred offspring in ten years. That’s eight hundred children in roughly 3640 days, which comes out to one conceived tortoise every four and a half days. That’s incredible, yet maybe not unattainable. More on that tomorrow.

P.P.S don’t think the fact that this is a happy story make you think for one second I forgot that time you all raised zero dollars to help the last horny animal we wrote about.