Pentagon May Ban Cellphones: RIP All Pentagon Employees
(CNN) Secretary of Defense James Mattis is actively considering banning US military and civilian personnel from bringing their personal cell phones into the Pentagon, the world's largest office building, according to three US defense officials familiar with an ongoing review of the issue.
The officials added that the review was ordered after Mattis expressed his intent to ban personal cell phones in the Pentagon.
A defense official told CNN that the intelligence about the risk of cell phone vulnerabilities that drove the Pentagon's review is the same intelligence that helped lead to a similar ban of personal cell phones among White House staffers in the West Wing, a ban that went into effect this month.
Full story here.
While, given our current panache towards fearing "cyber", this may seem like a move in the right direction for National Security, it is a TOUGH move for all Pentagon employees. These workdays just got a lot tougher. Let's not forget people, these are government jobs we're talking about. How many people actually have exciting jobs at the Pentagon? Television would lead us to believe that it's like what? 80%? Maybe 75%? That's obviously bullshit. Television completely neglects the Freds, Marthas, Nancys, and Phils of the workplace- trust me, they're there, even in the Pentagon. They lurk near the water cooler, they describe their fantasy draft to you second by second, they live tweet their niece reading "little women" or whatever the hell that prairie book is called, they microwave tilapia in the office, they chew with their mouths open so often that the image of their grayish pink food coated tongue is seared into your hippocampus, and your phone is the only escape from them.
What are bathroom breaks going to be without Candy Crush, without Bumble, without anything to distract from the bleak reality at hand? People are just stuck with their thoughts? Fuck that! People are jerking off in the bathroom to escape their thoughts! Speaking of jerking off, what are those weirdos gonna do? The Pentagon is going full analog! Are we just gonna have magazine clippings taped to the bathroom stalls? Is this the Pentagon or Cell Block C? What did people do at boring jobs before smart phones? Seriously I have no idea: I’m a millennial; jobs and watching Netflix in my lap are synonymous. What did people play, Minesweeper? Were people just very mindful of desktop tabs, choosing the right moment to jerk one off under their desk? How did it fucking work? The Pentagon is going to be a fucking museum of what bring-the-toaster-in-the-bath-tub jobs were like before Apple came along and bailed us out.
Thanks Russia, Monday through Friday were tough enough before you came along and started hacking our Two-Dots game. Things were barely manageable before you somehow used our Clash of Clans games to reveal our nuclear codes. This is the new Pentagon, people: zero hacks in 2018, 333,000 ejaculations to JC Penny ads.
