The last remaining Blockbuster video store in the world is getting a new lease on life.

Airbnb is turning the Bend, Oregon, store into a nostalgia-themed rental, according to NBC News. It is listed for three one-night stays in September for the low cost of $4 — a penny more than the video store’s rental fee.

The store will be stocked with “all the movies your heart could desire,” according to a press release from Blockbuster.

Story here…

Whether you want to stay up until sunrise or pass out on the couch, we’ve created the perfect space complete with a pull-out couch, bean bags and pillows for you to cozy up with “new releases” from the ‘90s. Crack open a two-liter of Pepsi before locking into a video game, charting your future in a game of MASH, or watching movie after movie. But be wary of reciting “Bloody Mary” in the staff bathroom off of the break room, as you just may summon the ghost rumored to haunt the store. And help yourself to some NERDS, Raisinets and popcorn (heavy on the butter), but make sure you save room for a couple slices.

And remember, the store is all yours for the night! So let loose, blast the boombox and wear your favorite ‘90s denim so that you feel right at home in another era.

And here…

I don’t care how many liters, and I mean LITERs, of bleach are used to clean this place. If you’re not the first ones to stay there, then stay the fuck back. One day of cleaning in between stays isn’t going to be enough to clean up the gallons of semen covering every dvd, video cassete, package of Good & Plenties, and otherwise unmentioned inch of that place. While in my heart of hearts, I hope that the crew who rents this place is just four recent postgrad nerds, looking to play some N64, munch on vintage Doritos, crush the Jaws series, and eventually all fall asleep together on the futon. Unless one of their divorced dads barges in and lets them know that they can get “two movies, AND two games this weekend” then four dudes or dudettes with a nerdy dream is the best tribute the store could ask for.

That’s what it should be. Blockbuster holds such a dear place in my heart. Speaking of divorced dads, I vividly remember trekking over with mine to the Blockbuster in the Chicago’s Irving Park every Friday with mine to pick up a weekend’s worth of movies and video games. It was integral to our existence. It kept us together. It was the most obvious pandering move of all time from and all-time dad. It was hope, love, and Crash Bandicoot all shoved into one tiny packet of Raisinets.  It without a doubt belongs in the Recently Divorced Dads Hall of Fame with Chilis and DisneyQuest. 

Of course, that’s not what’s going to happen in the Blockbuster Airbnb aka The Future Palace of Fuck. People are going to bang there. It’s obvious, man. It’s four bucks a night and during this pandemic people have banged in every corner of their house a hundred times over. They’re desperate for a change of pace. It’s not just going to be on the couch with the cool sheets, the beanbag chair, or the air mattress, it’s going to be everywhere. 

You’ve just paid four bucks to stay in a legendary, dying video store chain. It’s the unicorn of 90’s nostalgia. You’re not just going to fuck in the obvious spots. The front counter, the staff bathroom, the horror aisle, none of these places are safe. These horndogs from Bend, Oregon don’t care about the doritos, or the video game systems, or the classics, they just care that it’s carpeted for better bang-ballistics. 

It ain’t right! It’s Blockbuster! It’s sacred! Go fuck in someone else’s childhood memories! Mine are fuck free and I want to keep them that way! The only shot this place has got is put some benadryl in the popcorn butter. Knock those horny motherfuckers out Blockbuster! Protect your house! Protect your legacy!

P.S. While I pray to Jewish-God every night to prevent coitus from occurring in this set-up- I’d love to see a public birth. If you think your due date is remotely close to any of these booking dates, just do it. Want a water birth? Bring a kiddie pool. Make sure the other two people with you are midwives. The stress from having your baby in a Blockbuster lasts only as long as your labor, the street cred you get from having your kid in the last remaining Blockbuster on Earth lasts forever. There’s already going to be semen all over the floor, what’s the damage in mixing some birthing fluids in there as well?

p.p.s I would definitely fuck in a Blockbuster.