Big news as of today, I'm the official owner of a professional semipro Zog Sports basketball team. One of the most important rules of good leadership is that first impressions are the most important impressions, so I wasted no time in sending a 2,000 word email to the team letting them know who's boss. I'm going to walk you, step-by-step, through how this email, a myself, are perfect examples of perfect leadership. 

Welcome to the fucking show, and if you don't read this entire email from start to finish I will know.

It's very important to let people know that you don't fuck around. It's also really important to remember that saying, "Welcome to the fucking show" makes you sound cool. It also insinuates that there will be a spectacle, which there will be: because we're sick.

It's me your self appointed captain, coach, jazzercise instructor, manager, and owner: Keegan. You can call me Keegan, Keegs, Keegan-Bob, Psycho K, Coach, Bigman, bearsfan6969666@hotmail.com, or Steve. If any of you want to be captain instead just let me know: but also know that since I already declared myself captain that means you'd be starting a mutiny and we'd have to fight, probably to the death or until one of us cries.

 As self appointed captain/president, I'll pick up the jerseys tomorrow. That means that you all owe me for the rest of your lives. Now's a good time to mention that I'll be gone next week and I'll be 5 minutes late this week. Remember, you can't be mad because you owe me.

It's important to thing of all the nicknames and offer them ahead of time to take power away from your underlings. You don't want them thinking that they came up with a cool nickname for you, because that makes them think you guys are friends. Also, very important to make clear that voting has no place on your team, and that all disputes over power are to settled by duel. Also really important to immediately put all members of the team in your debt.

1. Rat Squad

2. Death Bringers

3. Blood Brothers

4. Blood Drinkers

5. Blood Bringers

6. Flint Tropics

7. Death Crawlers

8. Skull Boys

9. Big Pharma

That's a pretty extensive list of names that I feel like covers all the bases and will maximize team spirit, so if any of you have any other suggestions keep them to yourselves.

It's very important to have a sick team name but it has to be one that you come up with. Remember, any one thing that your team comes up with- that you didn't first come up with- makes you less powerful. It's very important to be proactive about this.

I'm going to need someone to step up for the following roles:

Bench Mob: this role rotates to whoever's on the bench and is in charge of maintaining an intimidating yet sustainable level of "hype". Please prepare appropriate celebrations for all dunks and good, fundamental lay ups.

Official Team Trainer: requires an IPhone with big data and web MD bookmarked.

Team Accountant: You crunch numbers. 

Team Mediator: your job is hold everyone back from refs/opposing players. If the Team Mediator gets in a fight, then Official Team Trainer takes his role. If both Team Mediator and Official Team Trainer are fighting, then Team Accountant takes this role. If Team Mediator, Official Team Trainer, and Team Accountant are all fighting, and we assume that the Bench Mob had been involved in the fighting the whole time, then over 87% of our team is in a fight and we all have to fight now.

3 Point Specialist: one of you is really good at hucking up threes. If one of you isn't, you have two and a half days to get sick at hucking up threes.

This one's easy: good leaders delegate.

Speaking of team roles: I consider my playstyle a mix of Brian Scalabrine, Kirk Hinrich, and Doug Glatt. My strength is long 2's and my weakness is layups. I'd like each of you to reply-all with a player profile of a similar format, as well as your vote for team name.

It's important to figure out what pieces you're dealing with, and it's also important to not let these descriptions put anybody in a box. This builds creative spirit and confidence on your team. What do you get when you combine Red Mamba, the scrappiest point guard in league history, and a fictional hockey enforcer? A championship, that's what. Also, yes you're offering a vote on team name, but remember that you came up with every team name on the list so this isn't really a vote.

That's all for now fellas, I look forward to seeing you Saturday. Remember let's have fun, but also remember that I'm trying to go pro and I need these wins.

Your manager, coach, player, self-appointed captain, and most importantly new best friend,

Keegan

Remind your underlings that it's a little bit about fun and all about winning. After all, you're not going to go pro if you try and make friends along the way. Make your subjects fear you, but also give them an opportunity to love you. In the immortal words of Michael Scott, Abe Lincoln, and Wayne Gretzky, I want them to fear how much the love me. Because, in the end, that's what will get you wins. Stay posted for Week 1 action. 

P.S. How scared must these guys be of me? Totally joking about that love gets you wins thing, I want them to fear how much they fear me.